Recently, I’ve found myself feeling really fatigued. Weary is perhaps a better word of it. At the end of summer, I felt really hyped up from Momentum and I started off the term with a goal in mind, a focus that was beyond the humdrum cycle of daily living, but rather something that was holy and something that I knew to be right. Yet having had that focus in mind, I still somehow found myself caught up in the busy chaotic rhythm of commuting, uni, lectures, commuting, home, study, what-do-I-have-to-do-next, sleep, commuting, what-do-I-have-to-do-tomorrow, preparing for this-and-this-and, commuting, sleep, uni, class, 360 night, study, what-do-I-have-to-do-tomorrow, Bed, Waterloo, London Bridge, Bed, prepare for this-and-this-and Sunday, commuting, teen leader, church, teacher, commuting, whatdoIhavetodonext, eurgh Monday, whatdoIhavetodotomorrow …

At school, I was the geeky kid who read ahead in lessons and started tasks before the teacher finished giving explanations because I’d already studied finished reading the instruction sheet. I was never satisfied with the present and instead I craved for more, more possibilities, more explanation for things. It was never about any egotistical sense of academically trumping my peers, just the satisfaction of pushing my faculties to the limit. Living at the limit of what my body and brain can handle is a dangerous and unfortunate habit of mine. Again, maybe I’m using the wrong word, since “habit” doesn’t really describe it. I thrive in challenging situations, but there’s a very fine line between a stimulating number of challenges and an overwhelming number, the latter situation (which is more often the case) resulting in my switching to autopilot “stress and compromise” mode.

I’m all out of sync and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to juggle everything and as a result, I’m not being fair on anyone. It’s not fair on the teens at SOC that I’m dashing off each Sunday instead of spending some quality time to get to know them better; it’s not fair on the kids at Hounslow that I only see them briefly twice a month; it’s not fair on my friends and family that I’m not paying them much attention by being so busy; I’m not being fair on myself by forcing my mind and body in so many directions at once and compromising my own studies. Ultimately, it’s not fair on God by trying desperately to manage and make do and power-on through everything myself as well as cutting chunks out of time that belongs to him.

Matt 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (NIV)

I’m all out of sync and only wish my heart were still enough to REST!

We were discussing the actions and character of Pharaoh whilst studying Exodus ch.8 during 360° this week when the question was raised of whether his stubbornness was justified in the face of what he considered to be a rebellion amongst his subordinates. What was disturbing on reflection was how easy I found it to play devil’s advocate and empathise with Pharaoh. To “imagine yourself in Pharaoh’s position” was too easy to do. Pharaoh had been shown time and time again God’s awesome power and yet each time a plague passed, he returned to the same obstinate state as before.

Am I like Pharaoh? How many times have I witnessed God’s mercy and grace in my life, and yet each time trouble passes I find myself lapsing…

I was sure by now, God, that you would have reached down…

But one again, I say amen and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

“I am with you”

 …my strength is almost gone

How can I carry on if I can’t find You?

And I’ll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I’ve cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes onto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

(Lyrics from “Praise you in this storm” by Casting Crowns)