Saturday, 04 April 2009

• Being honest with myself

  I thought everything was going to turn out to be OK. I wanted myself to be OK. I told myself, “you’re OK”, “this is all for the best, you’ll see”. How strange that I find it easier to pretend that I’m OK and not hurting rather than to tell those who care, no, I’m not great. You know what? My life sucks and I’ve been feeling depressed for some time. How can I tell you if I didn’t even consciously know this myself?

  Moving home seemed to be a good decision at the time. My parents weren’t ready. Life was moving too quickly and perhaps, our bond wasn’t strong enough to weather such a dramatic transition. Let’s regress; let’s take baby steps…one…step…at…a…time. It is not wrong to heed a parent’s will and advice in matters of life, such as where you ought to live and what time you ought to stay out till, and yet, part of me strains at the restrictiveness of the situation. I yearn for more freedom but with every new step I encounter more resistance: call us at this time, we will pick you up at this time, be here, do this, we know what’s best for you…

  If obeying my parents is right, then are my desires wrong in wanting to go against their wishes and to set my own agenda for my life? Surely the desire for independence isn’t a bad thing? If so, then why do I feel so guilty every time I disobey my parents’ wishes and return home late, or refuse their assistance?

  Don’t they TRUST me?                                                                   

  Could it be my pride that precipitates the feeling of restriction from my parents, whilst in reality, that restriction doesn’t exist at all? If so, where does this pride come from and why does it cause such ugly results every time we argue? Why do I not feel satisfied with what I have?!

  I have been hurt

  I’ve done a lot of soul-searching, trying to get to the bottom of my problems, which seem to lie deeper than my childish frustration at my protective parents. Why do I get so angry and upset each time they call to ask what time I’d be home?

  The twisted, ugly truth is this:

  I was let down and hurt by those whom I thought I could trust to support me – an unspoken promise was broken and someone I relied on to defend me kept silent. I fought my case. I lost. I couldn’t deal with the pain of fighting anymore in the knowledge that I would lose the argument again. I felt guilty for causing so much pain. It was easier and less painful for everyone involved for me to give up, to withdraw, to bury my wounds deep so that no one would get hurt any more. I lie. I got hurt. I got hurt BAD but I didn’t realise it because I buried my wounds so deep.

  Besides, the issues stemming from deep-set denial, one other thing that arises from subconscious burdens is the loneliness that it brings. The inability to identify my problems and to express them made life terribly lonely. I've heard about counselling groups that offer to lonely folk a chance to talk about their problems, and if they don’t know what their problems are, then at least they can feel lonely alongside other lonesome people. I never understood the point or the sense of such groups until now. Loneliness is a natural human emotion that arises in people who are by themselves because people are not made to be alone. However, suffering loneliness alongside others helps ease the burden, because despite the persistent pain, it helps to know that others are also suffering the same emotion. Feeling lonely whilst on your own is a terrible situation to be in, I know that now. 

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