Monday, 19 January 2009

• I've been feeling pretty rough lately: both in a spiritual and a mental sense. I could spend a long time ranting on about why I've been feeling this way, but no, this is not what this blog is going to be about. This blog is going to be about the people and more importantly the God who has brought me through the bad times (and who is STILL there for me).
  So, to keep it short and sweet, this is to thank Tim for listening to me ramble on about how miserable my life seems to be, but mostly for telling me that messes in life can always be traced back to some mess going on in the spiritual walk with Jesus. It's true, my spiritual life has been full of ups and downs, shallow and completely lacking in consistency. The speaker on Sunday was right about the problems of "praying nice", oftentimes, one's heart isn't even in the prayer; one part of my mind could be mumbling "God, please bless the children...blah...blah" whilst the other part of me would thinking about what lecture notes I have to prepare for the next day. (So I guess this is also a 'thank you' to Wilf(?), the speaker from Sunday.)
  This is a thank you to everyone and YOU (yes, you, person reading this) who has taken the time to ask how I am, especially in the past few months. You have no idea how much a smile and a "how are you" has gone in improving my day when I was feeling particularly depressed.
  This is also a BIG thank you to Karen who said: "It's easier to trust someone when you know them" during 360° last week. I realised that the reason why I haven't been able to let go and why I've found it so difficult to trust God is because of how little I really know him.
  I want to thank you, my friends, my brother and sisters, who have supported me with your kind words and remembered me in your prayers.
  Throughout everything, God's love has been the one fixed point in life, the one person who has always been there, encouraging me to trust and to love, even though everything hurts. How many times have I wallowed so deep self-pity that I've been unable to appreciate how amazing He is? How many times has God invited me to get to know him a bit better but I've been too 'busy' to listen?
  
  So here I am, once again. I've found my focus and re-learnt the things that I thought I already knew about what it means to follow Christ. I know it's not going to be easy, but then again, I think I've always known that. I'm still learning, still changing. Who knows, perhaps I'll be alright afterall?
  I came across this song by Starfield today that seems to say EXACTLY what I wanted to say to God at the moment. I thought I'd share it with you.
  
  "Cry in My Heart" - Starfield

  There a cry in my heart

  For your glory to fall

  For your presence to fill up my senses

  There’s a yearning again

  A thirst for discipline

  A hunger for things that are deeper

  Could you take me beyond?

  Could you carry me through?

  If I open my heart,

  Could I go there with you?

  (For I’ve been here before

  Yet I know there’s still more

  Oh Lord, I need to know you.)

   

  Chorus:

  What do I have if I don’t have you, Jesus?

  What in this life could mean any more?

  You are my Rock

  You are my Glory

  You are the lifter of my head

  
  

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