Sunday, 04 January 2009

• identity crisis

  Diary entry 22nd December 2008, Monday...sometime too early for sleep and too late for study...

  "I like to think that I know where everything is in my room, what is contained within each overstuffed shoebox or wedged into each shelf. I see my room as being a fairly tidy place..."I am a very organised person", I tell myself. However, look at the room objectively and it's not difficult to see the trays of clutter dominating the desk, nor can you fail to notice the dust-coated stacks of paper that sit quietly at the sides of the room, round and under the table. The owner of these had obviously never returned to sort them or throw them away...some pieces of junk are so old that they have become permanent installations, for example, the files of past chinese workbooks under the desk (although the owner has long since become illiterate) and the large pieces of my 'art' propped behind doors (survivors from a purge of the cellar).

  "Here and there lie trinkets and oddities, such as the furry puppet hanging off the wardrobe door, presumably I'd once put it there for decoration... and yet, the walls are devoid of decor. Perhaps the owner of the room doesn't want to express herself further beyond the small trivialities that hide behind the blackout curtains?

  "My room lacks character on the whole. Clean up the mess, tidy the bookshelves and one is left with an anonymous room that could belong to any student. It just so happens to be a space inhabited by all manner junk I've accumulated in my life...however, an amassment of items from a person's life in a room cannot give a room character anymore than a collection of memories can constitute to personality or an identity. These are mere contributory factors of character, not the person itself. Maybe the question I am really asking here is: who am I?"

  Hi, I'm Elim, I'm a medical student. I'm chinese and I play the piano... er, there are thousands of people out there who fit that description and I personally know at least one who would answer to the name as well. I am my parents' daughter and a sister...mere labels of my relations. I live in London...not really unique to me though. I am a Christian, a child of God...to be brutally honest, I'm still discovering what it means to wear those labels. How can I expect those around me understand or know me if I can't figure out who I am myself?

  I am..

  • a great procrastinator
  • a person who loves rainbow sunsets, smiles from sharing a private joke with a friends, the smell after rain;
  • someone who has learnt that it's OK to cry sometimes, and sometimes, it is ok to surrender;
  • one who suffers from a lack of patience and a short temper;
  • still learning,
  • still improving.

  I am..

  • one who has been wronged and one who has wronged others
  • someone who has hurt others and is hurting
  • still needing to know that I am loved, worth fighting for

  I am..

  • a person who has faced personal trials, dark times, spiritual attacks;
  • sometimes, still afraid

  I am known by a God who loves me, who gave his life to save mine, despite everything I have done (..will do..), before I even knew I was in trouble. Even though I'm a mess, it's comforting that God knows who I am.

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